Velvet-Covered Diamonds

Black women tend to be thought of as angry, hard, feisty, no-nonsense, loud, independent (to a fault), etc.  But they are also thought known to be lovers, mothers, supporters of communities and families, soft, warm, plate fixers, boo-boo-kissers, voluptuous, colorful and phenomenal.   Something that came to me as I was thinking about this topic was why do we treat people at work sometimes better than we treat our own spouse or significant other at home?  We are quick to give him the wrath and sharpness of our tongue, but don’t do that to the boss/co-working that’s “getting’ on our nerves at work”.  We are quick to suck our teeth at his “idiot”syncrasies, but we try to “work with” folx at work that have “issues”.  My point is, the hard part of us is borne of messages taught to us by our mothers, girlfriends and life in general.  We don’t want to be made a fool of or thought to be a fool, so we maintain the hardness that has gotten us through life, even when it’s not necessary.  That’s the diamond side.  But then our men need the softness of us.  It was the feistiness sometimes that has drawn them too us….but just like any “good” thing.  It’s always better in moderation.  I mean if someone was feisty, angry and no-nonsense all the time, wouldn’t it start to grate on your nerves.

So what I want to talk about today is how can we be that woman where ya man knows you got his back, but you’re not ridin’ his back?  Or at least when you are ON his back, you have your velvet covering on and it’s nice and soft maybe with a massage thrown in.

Ladies…Ladies…Ladies.  We have to love our spouses and significant others (SOs) as much as they deserve.  Now I do not advise that we love more that we are able and definitely not to our own detriment.  But if we continue to convince our SOs that we don’t “need” them cuz we are independent ladies who “don’t need no man”, why should they stay in an abrasive, loud and no-nonsense environment?  In order for diamonds to be protected, they are usually carried in a simple BLACK velvet bag.  They are precious.  But yet a simple velvet bag is enough to see them through.  You are precious and a little velvet covering is enough to see you through.  So I suggest, it only takes a little velvet covering to keep you brilliant, shining and stunning.  It only takes a little softness to allow your SO to have a soft place to rest his head; a soft place to lay his mind and troubles and the deep dark blackness of your velvet to lose himself in.  Your velvet becomes the “bag” in which he can place his dreams, his hopes and his fears.  It’s your velvet in which he wants to put future memories that you will make together.

So I implore you (and I know it won’t happen overnight), but give him access to the softness of your velvet bag and not just the hardness of your diamonds.

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0 Comments

  • JC

    Reply Reply September 2, 2008

    Preach on!!! Couldn’t have said it better. I’ll never understand women who claim to need/want a “real man”, but when that man comes, she jumps at every opportunity to remind him of her independence. No real man deserves to grow old listening to “I don’t need you”.

    I think the difference in the way a woman treats her boss and how she treats her man boils down to respect. She may not respect her boss, but she respects the fact that s/he is her boss and bites her tounge from fear of getting fired. No job, no independence. On the other hand, it’s her independence that keeps her unafraid of getting divorced, which lowers the level of respect she has for her relationship.

    Before she got that job, she probably had to interview for it. Men might have to start making women interview for wifee. When she starts saying “I need some guarantees”, ask her “What does marrying you guarantee me?” The second she feels like she may not be needed herself, she might just change her attitude.

    We ’bout to have chu-ch up in here.

    What up A. Fox? Good to talk to ya again.

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply September 2, 2008

    Wow! I’mma hafta marinate on that one! :o)

  • Starr71

    Reply Reply September 2, 2008

    I agree, it’s a delicate balance. I think most men that are with independent women (before they met) already know that the woman doesn’t need him financially, so I think it’s redundant to verbally tell him that. The thing that I have learned is that you get catch more bees with honey :-), so the more “velvetly” you are, the more random acts of kindness are reciprocated back to you. Of course, there are times when the bag needs to come off, because you need checks and balances in any relationship–if he’s wrong, he needs to be called on it.

    That’s a good point JC made about the job thing. The way I look at it, the reason I put up with my boss’s ish is because I don’t feel like changing jobs (again). You know me, and in the past there hasn’t been much that would stop me from switching jobs, especially when there are so many viable choices out there and if I feel like a bunch of ish is being doled out on me. At this point in my life, however, the only reason I put up with the ish is because of the short commute and salary!

  • kim

    Reply Reply September 2, 2008

    Very good topic. Something I’ve been thinking about alot lately as a single woman. And the comparison to work is on point. If we all treated one another (men and women) with as much respect and tolerance as we do coworkers relationships and marriages would last a lot longer. I am a soft spoken woman, very shy, but I can buck with the best of them if you push me. And I have realized that being independent (very much so for me) you can also have an agressive attitude that you may not even be aware of. I’m learning that men are a lot more sensitive *sorry for that word brothers* than we think. I tend to think men are unfeeling, when in actuality they just don’t verbalize their feelings the way we do. They need to be handled with care just like we do.

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply September 3, 2008

    Very good introspective Kim. It’s not easy to recognize that the (wo)MAN in the mirror may actually be us.

    I’m learning and trying to curb my crazy black girl side with my husband. Sometimes he wants to just lay his head on my lap and have his head rubbed. I on the other hand feel exhausted (b/c I was just dealin’ with the kids). But if he’s coming to me needing just a little bit of affection. Why CAN’T I give that to him. But I also need to be clear in terms of what my needs and limits are…but in a loving way.
    It’s not always been like that. Tired, overwhelmed…etc….but time to stop making excuses and figure out how to be more tolerant (I like your word).

  • Jenn

    Reply Reply September 3, 2008

    A.Fox, I can definitely relate. Thanks for showing me that I’m not alone:)

  • E.A. Stansbury

    Reply Reply September 6, 2008

    Beautifully put A. Fox. If we could, in the spirit of understanding and agreeing with your comparison, get to a place where we get used to taking turns being the velvet…

    and the diamonds…as needed, then…
    when the ‘work is done’ for the day,
    we could really let some fun begin, huh? Generally speaking.

    Your “Relationship Roundup” is thoughtful AlumniRoundup commentary that I look forward to. Thank you!

  • E.A. Stansbury

    Reply Reply September 6, 2008

    Beautifully put A. Fox. If we could, in the spirit of understanding and agreeing with your comparison, get to a place where we train ourselves to get better at taking turns being the velvet…

    and the diamond…as needed, then…
    when the ‘work is done’ for the day,
    we could really let some fun begin, huh? Generally speaking.

    Your “Relationship Roundup” is thoughtful AlumniRoundup commentary that I look forward to. Thank you!

  • E.A. Stansbury

    Reply Reply September 6, 2008

    A Fox, I’ll add 2 more pennies (with interest:)

    an “abrasive, loud and no-nonsense environment” is easier to deal with (although difficult-ly because of the ‘loud-abrasive’ part) than an abrasive, loud and NONSENSE(ical) environment.

  • E.A. Stansbury

    Reply Reply September 6, 2008

    …love that ‘Deep Dark Blackness!”

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply September 7, 2008

    Yes…the deep dark blackness….was metaphorical and literal….if you caught my meaning which I’m sure you did.

    Also….thanx for the looking fwd to comment. I appreciate that.

    AND….you comment @ 10:54 PM is an interesting one indeed.

  • E.A. Stansbury

    Reply Reply September 8, 2008

    Yes A! with the 10:54pm comment, there’s an assumption that
    “no-nonsense” at least includes a plan! Either way though, loud and
    abrasive is a huge turnoff period.

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply September 10, 2008

    yeah….I got your meaning….just interesting to hear it stated out loud that if you had to choose…you would actually choose that one. :o)

    Just never thought of it before. 😮

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