Foreplay Begins in the Morning

Why is it that after the courting phase is over most men (your husband included) grope you like they are in a bar and are three sheets to the wind while you’re trying to whip up dinner, talk on the phone and get the kids a bath (all at the same time). Is this their idea of romance and seduction? Now while you certainly appreciate their attraction to you and the fact that “they can’t keep their hands off you”. Do they really believe your MIND is in a sexy place?

What I would like to put on the table is in order to have the intimacy you’d like, you must know that….Foreplay Begins in the Morning.

The brain is the largest and I must say, most ignored sex organ. With a little stimulation above the neck, you can get things going below the waist quicker than you think. This is the most misunderstood part of intimacy and sex. We (ALL) do this in the beginning….complement, leave love notes, talk on the phone for hours bonding, listen to dreams, desires and fantasies…only for that to go out the window once we’ve been “got”. A woman can be so tuned into being intimate with her significant other…call him and talk sweet nothings, let him know she’s on the way home to spend some “quality time” with him (wink, wink) and then once she get there, he’s still in the SAME workout sweats he had on when they first talked (and I mean has not SEEN the hydrogen or the two oxygen molcules of water), then he’s trying to coerce you into giving him some. Some what???? Soap and water? That is NOT sexy. For some women, gym funk may be sexy, but it is NOT to me, and I would venture to say most women would find this to be a turn-off.

Women, unfortunately, generally have a small window of opportunity to be intimate. If they are thrown for a loop, it’s harder for them to recover. Loops being, dirty house, uncooked dinner (if that was your job for the evening), funky body or just being second to the ball game. After we fizzle, and get turned off, it’s a hard road to turning back on the light switch.

Every man should listen to James Ingrams’ “Find 100 Ways” for some tricks of the trade.

What it takes to GET someone, it also takes to KEEP them, so be sure that what you’re doing in the “courting” phase is what you can sustain in the “life” phase. Be true to yourself and your real romance capabilities. Please don’t just do enough to get BY and then say BYE to enough.

Now ladies, the same goes for us. Did you used to wear sexy lingerie to bed, make sure that your hair, nails were done and that you hair was not constantly in a ponytail or simply undone. Do you come to bed in sweats and a t-shirt or flannel pajamas. Do you keep sweats on or wear your sexy jeans and top or WHATEVER your husband/significant other thinks is sexy? If you are reading this and have not read “Keeping the Fie-yah in your relationship”, then maybe you should read it. But the bottom line is…you also have a responsibility to put your best self forward.

Back to the men…..women are reflectors. They reflect what they are given. They will show their appreciation of you when you do the little things, which will then make you feel good as a man. Have you ever heard that “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? Well it goes the same here….if you make her feel good, she’ll make you feel EXTRA special. BUT….once anger, resentment, lonliness, etc. set it….it becomes harder and harder to come back from that place. Once a woman closes the book on you, it’s a wrap.

Remember, the romance you give her, you’ll get back 10-fold….but start in the Morning (leave love notes, call her, tell her she looks sexy WITHOUT the expectation of sex, WITHOUT sounding like you’re on a construction site and she happens to be passing by). If you don’t have the expectation of sex, the compliments seem sincere and if she sincerely feels your vibe, you may take her to get a “ride”….as soon as tonight.

Here’s hoping you keep on adding chapters to your book of life, love and relationships. And now…..

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0 Comments

  • Monika C

    Reply Reply July 1, 2008

    A Fox…yet again another excellent topic. I just read it over the phone to my SO – he is now aware that I am not the only one who understands the foreplay is a 24 hour thing! My pastor has also commented on the same thing.

    Fellas – don’t call her all day, text her, email her…then come home, sit in front of the TV, ignore her attempts to engage with you…then get to bed and expect her to roll over…AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!! LOL

    Ladies – keep it tight. We may not stay the same size, but keep sexy what you are working with!!! Make sure that man knows constantly what he has at home – he will speed home before the kids get off the bus to catch quickie!

  • JC

    Reply Reply July 2, 2008

    Yet another article about what men are doing wrong.

    The fact of the matter is, I for one could care less what my woman is wearing to bed, or how her hair looks. What motivates me to “step my foreplay up” is how she recognizes the effort. If my lady comes home to a clean house, a fed baby, clothes washed and folded and all she has to say is “I see you forgot to take out the trash again, you ain’t done nothin today”, you can forget the other “97 ways”.

    Men, I believe, accept their women as they are and love them as is…if they love them. Instead of constantly trying to mold men to fit the ever changing definition of men, women should take time out and learn to recognize when their men are making an effort. It’s counter-productive to define what actions count as foreplay, then toss these actions in the “suppose to” catagory when you see them.

    While we are listening to James Ingram, maybe Percy Sledge’s “When a Man Loves a Woman” should be in women’s playlist.

  • KIM

    Reply Reply July 2, 2008

    “Big up” to JC for holding it down. We know that physical beauty is an attraction when looking for a mate….but never forget it is the mental and emotional feelings that prompts us to behave in ways that can negatively or positively affect our relationship. When you love someone, you will know what to do because you will want to know. When the mind is right, everything you do or say in reference to the that peron will be correct because you will not have to try so hard…..it will come natually.”Foreplay” should be renamed “all-day play”..because you shouldn’t designate a time..it should all day leading up to that small, but powerful, physical love. Hint:Percy Sledge said it best..for men.

  • happyfatskinnygirl

    Reply Reply July 2, 2008

    Hey Fox, I think you and your husband should put it down on RoundUp. A relationship is made up of two. And you both have some great insight.

    At any rate, this article, for me, boils down to consideration and communication. Sometimes, when I’m getting groped. I have to remember he is a little boy at heart and they do that kind of thing from time-to-time. Even though I want to smack him upside the head, I just calm down and get felt up. Better him than the wino on the corner. And when he washes the dishes, but doesn’t take out the trash. I still have to give it to him. Cause I know he is doing it for me. I hate washing dishes more than anything.

    Good post!

  • Clayton Harris

    Reply Reply July 2, 2008

    Damn…seems like I messed up already today…you mean to tell me I shoulda did somethin this mornin to get some when I get home?! Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I thought all I had to do was make it a requirement that you keep yoself sexy for me! I’ve preserved mine already…hahahaha.

  • DMBattle

    Reply Reply July 2, 2008

    JC…the article pointed out what men AND women do wrong.

    Great article once again A. Fox. I’m reminded of Janet Jackson’s song “Twenty-foreplay”:

    Five til noon you sneak up from behind
    Kiss and caress me, make love to my mind
    A whisper and a kiss from you warms my heart
    Means so much
    Making love our way
    Begins early in the day

  • JC

    Reply Reply July 2, 2008

    DMBattle,

    75% of “don’t grope me” and 25% of “we need to dress up more” doesn’t qualify as being AND…not to me. Especially since, to me, sexy jeans or Victoria Secret isn’t a requirement.

    The focus of my response was the ineffectiveness of pointing out what we do wrong, only do dismiss it when it’s done right. Hearing nice words in a song is one thing, how you respond when it’s actually done remains to be seen.

  • Chauncy

    Reply Reply July 3, 2008

    I think that the points raised on BOTH sides are very accurate. But at the end of the day I feel like its all about the love connection. Too many people complicate things by buying into what “society” and everyone else says that you should do for your lady. (or man, for the women). When in actuality, one should simply pay attention to your mate. My woman (if I was in a relationship) should always feel like the queen that she is b/c I will always pay attention to the big things that she likes and also the little things that make her tick. Yeah, some things are universal for ALL women but there are PLENTY of things that are good JUST FOR HER. (Thats what James Ingram was talking about). But JC does have a point in that too many women seem to be caught up into what we as men aren’t doing. The only thing that does is take the focus off of what SHE is supposed to be doing for HER man. I for one dont have a problem doing ANYTHING for a woman that I’m in a relationship with. Yes I’m a pleaser but I need to be stimulated as well.

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply July 4, 2008

    Once again people….excuse A.Fox since I’ve been outta pocket. I love to try to respond to individual comments so the message doesn’t get diluted. But I’ll have to have a mass response…so here it goes!

    To JC: I for one APPRECIATE the fed baby, clean house, washed clothes, etc….BECAUSE that relieves me of the pressure of having to do it myself when I get home and getting angry, resentful, etc….and not being in a sexy mind place. I too used to suffer from the…..yeah, yeah, you did all that, but what about the trash. WE women have to understand that from the man’s point of view…that’s a balloon buster. Ladies…we gotta let the “trash” thing go and look at all the other stuff he took off your plate to make coming home to him less stressful. If anything, ladies…say…”Oh honey…I love what you’ve done….and if the trash deal is really bothering you, then YOU take it out. But JC…this is NOT an article about what MEN are doing wrong, (Read Keeping the Fie-YaH in your relationship where I give the women a few pointers), it’s about having the discussion from BOTH sides to try to eliminate the communication chasm that we find ourselves in when MEN THINK they’re doing all the right things to justify gettin’ some….and women don’t see it that way (the only reason I say it that way is maybe based on my experiences…men seem to ALWAYS be ready…LOL..so it doesn’t take as much). I’m not saying that one way is right or wrong…but I’m a woman, and I’m writing from my point of view….I’m certainly open to, and love to read your comments…and BTW….my husband wanted you to know that he agrees with you…he told me it was gonna go down like this when he first reviewed the article. :o)

    PS JC…if you don’t care about Vicky’s Secret or sexiness….then communicate that to your woman…but if she GIVES it to you b/c she feels sexy in that stuff….the appreciate it…that’s all I’m saying. A woman has to be sexy in the ways that HER man needs her to be (or not).

    DM….see even Janet has weighed in on the issue thru music….
    so back to the men who responded….the message is out there….so somewhere there is the disconnect of what we THINK we’re doing and how it’s coming across…so HappyFat summed it up as communication AND consideration…Absolutely!

    So my final comment is to Chauncy….and really back to JC also. You are correct that stimulation goes both ways, but what stimulates a man is not necessarily what stimulates a woman (which I think we all know and agree on)….but all I’m saying is that the little things that you do throughout the day make her openness (is that a word) to your advances or her willingness to “get it started” that much more probable.

    I believe this requires some face to face communication to really get it all out on the table and have open and honest communication….the typed word just leaves so much to be desired. JC…can we have a little get-to-gether at your house????? :o)

  • JC

    Reply Reply July 4, 2008

    LMAO!!! You wouldn’t like my house…to trashy.:) But, if you’re ever in the DMV…holla.

    Okay, sorry for taking your article to heart. Maybe it was a case of the guilty speaking up. Thanks for understanding my point though.

    BTW – I actually do like the sexy outfits (and I let her know that), but the lack of them just doesn’t upset me.

    Give your husband an Obama/terrorist fist-bump for me.

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply July 4, 2008

    Fist-bumped delivered! :o)

    Guilty is good…it means you see a point of reflection in the article….but not guilty (as in shameful)…but guilty as in…that’s me…and this is what I’m going to do about it. Guilt is OK….as long as it results in a reflection, self-awareness and desire to change the existing status quo….and sometimes…that just means having the convo with wifey to say….here’s where we are and what can I do to change it. You’d be surprised that when you come at it like that…she’ll usually step up to the plate and tell you what she’ can do too.

  • Swami

    Reply Reply July 5, 2008

    After reading the replies as well as the article, I decided to chime in on the discussion. The expression, “If momma aint happy, nobody is happy, If Daddy aint happy, nobody cares” holds very true in the majority of households. To get to the root of the issue we have to view the state of the man in modern terms. Currently most guys don’t even open doors for women, and women tend not to be as grateful for the gesture. This is due in part most men feel they should be rewarded for a random act of kindness and most women feel that it is expected therefore needs no reaction of gratitude. We have become an immoral society that dwells on personal gain with little or no sacrifice. Men should open doors, as well as love their women 24 hours a day, but it is a revolving door that in order for it to work we all need to be on the same page. Chivalry should be alive and well in all of us men, to love is to learn, and continue to learn. Foreplay is a continuous journey, because what works today may be old news tomorrow. Men have to stay on their game, read some articles, change it up, and continue to ask questions on how to improve. When we go up for a promotion we ask questions, the same should apply when it comes to your woman or man. You want praise then find out what it takes today, and ask what it takes tomorrow. Pay close attention to the details, because if you miss the point somebody else will catch it, and you yourself will ask the question, “Where did I go wrong?” We cannot limit ourselves to what works for others, we have to challenge all aspects of living to constantly improve on the system. I hope I did not miss the point, but I am passionate about women and relationships and how we can improve the dialogue between men and women.

  • JC

    Reply Reply July 5, 2008

    I doubt it; I know my wife.

    I can admit I’m guilty of groping. But I don’t know many women willing to admit they’ve left their men with few options.

    Can’t wait for your next article.

  • JC

    Reply Reply July 5, 2008

    My last comment was for Fox, not Swami.

  • Kofi Hemmingway

    Reply Reply July 5, 2008

    As my brothers Chauncy,and SWAMI stated earlier. We as men just need to pay attention to our mates, and know the things that turn them on and off. It varies from individual to individual. For instance, I can send my wife sensual e mails, suggestive texts, and flowers, but if the house is dirty, and the bills aren’t paid, it ain’t gonna mean a thing.

    Everything we do is foreplay. From making eye contact to washing clothes and dishes. It all goes hand in hand.

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply July 6, 2008

    Swami, I really like your response and would like to address a few comments.

    1: “If momma aint happy, nobody is happy, If Daddy aint happy, nobody cares”
    I guess what I will say to that (in my husband’s words) it doesn’t take AS MUCH to make me (the man) happy…but it’s not like it doesn’t take anything…so you’re right that foreplay is a two way street.
    Hubby’s sidebar: You’re right…Momma’s needs constantly change based on their expectations, circumstances, etc.
    Men’s happiness is simple…We require some basic needs that are unchanging
    SEX
    FOOD
    ATTENTION(BTW…sex is not attention, APPRECIATION/recognition is attention)

    2: what works today may be old news tomorrow
    Not only with WOMEN in general…but with your woman specifically! So it’s always good to ask the questions that stimulate a SAFE conversation where she (or he) will not be judged/ridiculed or laughed at for stating where she/he is. I’ll give an example at the risk of TMI, but to illustrate the point and to be transparent in my journey.
    I nursed both my kids. Though brest stimulation previously (and since) was a turn-on for me…while I was nursing…if felt…..well….horrible. I felt more like I was being fondled by a dirty old man, and it had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH MY HUSBAND AT ALL. I mean this was my children’s means of nourishment so somewhere inside of me, it took on a whole new meaning. When I tried to “ignore” my feelings in order to please my husband…I ended up crying one night during a lovemaking session. He was stunned…(needless to say the mood was shot)…but he asked me was it anything he was doing (No)…and I just had to be honest with him and tell him that I was in a certain place where what I liked yesterday actually had a significantly different bodily reaction today. Instead of saying…Girl…what’s wrong with you, or get over it…we discussed differerent ways that we could still accomplish the same goal which was mutual pleasure. When I thought I was open to the possibility again…I let him know.

    3: I am passionate about women and relationships and how we can improve the dialogue between men and women.
    So am I….most importantly….how I can improve the dialogue between This Man and Woman in my own home. Only then, do I believe I can TRY to help others.

    Finally to Kofi:
    I can send my wife sensual e mails, suggestive texts, and flowers, but if the house is dirty, and the bills aren’t paid, it ain’t gonna mean a thing.

    All I gots ta say is AMEN brother….and I believe that THIS is where a big communication break-down occurs. B/C the brother doing the sending is gonna want some credit for the emails, texts and flowers….but the woman’s stress level is gonna rise up when she’s got to clean-up and figure out how them bills are gonna get paid. Then the problem there is…..her MIND is not in the right place for McLovin’.
    SIGH….

    We’ve got some work to do, but only through dialogue, understanding and the desire to learn and grown will be get there! :o)

  • Chauncy

    Reply Reply July 8, 2008

    Wow, I’m really liking this. These topics are ALWAYS very insightful and I like how we are able to have this dialog without it turning into a “MAN vs Woman thing”. Many of us are making very valid points on boths sides. I for one have no problem at all taking care of my woman especially with MANY of the things that A.Fox is referring to. But I do have to admit that I know ALOT of brothers that are walking around in the dark with a flashlight that has no batteries. (marinate on that one for a sec). This is not to say that I agree with “everything” that Fox is saying ***grins***, I’m just saying that she does have a point. She’s a female so she has to speak from that perspective and on things that are related to her experiences. Alot of the points that she raises are realities in the lives of ALOT of our sisters. I love the fact that it is written objectively AND in good taste.

    Lets be honest here, she could have REALLY made this article ALOT harsher than it was b/c again, there are alot of us men out there that are simply not stepping up to the plate.

    It would be interesting though to explore the other side of the coin with the same topic but from a male’s perspective. This is because of the fact that, while I DO know alot of brothers that arent doing whats right, I ALSO know that there are many men out there (myself included) that ARE ready for my queen to come along.

    And for some reason she seems to be still at the club.

    Just a thought.

  • Chauncy

    Reply Reply July 8, 2008

    ****LOL****. And for the record, I do agree with her officially on some of the stuff that these brothers are doing. I know ALOT of sisters that have tons of horror stories about the stinky, horny, husband on the couch. I just pray that whenever I do get married that I dont wake up in that nightmare!!!!

    ****falls out of his chair laughing****

  • JC

    Reply Reply July 8, 2008

    After reading some of the lastest responses I have to say I agree with the other gentlemen…to a degree. My initial point still stands however. It was from the viewpoint of a man who has: paid the bills, sent the emails (well, maybe not emails), bought the flowers, paid attention to the details (as vague and inconsistent as they are) and she just says…”you’re supposed to do all that!” Like A. Fox said earlier, it can be a show stopper.

    I think random acts of kindness should be recognized. How else is the guy supposed to know that he’s on track?

    Consider this example – A comedian is “supposed” to tell jokes. However, how does he know that his jokes are funny unless the audience laughs? You have the right to not laugh if you didn’t think the joke was funny, but if your only reason for not laughing is because you know the comedian is just doing his job, then why did you go see him? You could have stayed home and told your own jokes. I’m talking about women who tell their men what jokes they like, and still don’t laugh just b/c they think he’s telling them for a reason.

    If you don’t think your husband’s: random acts of kindness, or other chivalrous acts don’t warrant some form of appreciation only because they’re expected of a gentleman, fine. Just know that you could have stayed single and had several men open your door, just as he could have stayed single and kept his own house clean.

    If God can reward us with everlasting life, even though we’re “supposed” to obey Him, it’s not too much to ask of a woman to recognize when a man is doing what he’s supposed to do…because he’s doing it FOR HER.

    If I sound negative, I apologize. Practicality was the intent.

  • Chauncy

    Reply Reply July 9, 2008

    You know ladies, I’m gonna have to step in and support my brother JC because he has a VERY valid point. Now I’m sure that this is going to heat things up but his points are JUST as valid as A.Fox’s. This is what I meant in my previous post regarding how interesting it would be to hear this topic from “our” point of view. While I agree with everything that a man is supposed to do for his woman I do feel as though many women dont realize just how much it discourages us to be brushed off afterwards. When we go out of our way to DO these things its frustrating to be told that you arent going to be rewarded for doing what you are supposed to do.

    Where is the list of the things that a woman is “supposed” to do for a man? I’m no trying to fan any flames but while we are talking about the many things that a man is supposed to “tune in to” lets not forget that women have a radio as well.

    It goes both ways.

  • A.T.L.'HOTBOY'

    Reply Reply July 10, 2008

    First off, I have fell in love with tha site. As I tend to agree with most of the above, i am of the “PEDIGREE”, those of which you speak of, ‘WOMEN’, are just that as we are ‘MEN’. What I mean by that is, everything should not be planned, thought of, suggestive,etc. We are born with sponteaneaty and must preserve it even while single. I happen to like my woman getting off work coming through the door in secretary wear, coming from the store in hair-scarf, sweats and long t-shirt, or looking under tha sink for an ‘S.O.S’ pad (alright maybe it’s just me). But if I or u must shower before we touch at every opportunity, even the date you were on in your fist experience, you definitely became ‘filthy’ before you got back home. Restaurants, doors tables, hands, menu,etc. Don’t tell me after a nice dinner and drink that u coming home to take ‘no damn shower’, cause trust me, i am going to ‘GET IN’ that shower, but ain’t no water ‘cummin’ out of that shower and I trust that the thought of ‘gym-sweat’ wouldn’t deter her, but the slight sight of it would make her see and seek more!!!

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply July 11, 2008

    JC & Chauncy….

    You guys have both made me feel convicted that I don’t appreciate my husband as much as I should (guilty as charged….****that sound you hear is of me slinking out of the room****). I believe I do appreciate him…but hearing your side has made me believe I can, should and will do more.

    I appreciate your candor and honesty.

    Now JC…stop groping your wife!

    And ATL Hotboy…I’mma need you to stop humpin’ your woman while she’s bent over lookin’ for an SOS pad!!!! LOL!!!

    Group hug everybody!!!!!

    We now return to our regularly scheduled program….already in progress.

  • Zee

    Reply Reply August 21, 2008

    I just dont like the pic. What is up with that?! No black couple love?

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