Are You Getting Lazy About Finding Love?

Are you single, but want to make a connection?  Ask yourself how much effort you’re putting into finding a date.  If you were new to an area and you got sick, wouldn’t you put out the feelers to find a new doctor?  What if you were looking to sell your house?  Wouldn’t you put the word out on the street to get potential buyers?  So then why are we so lackadasical about finding love?  Love is not going to find us and there are too many ways to find love to just sit back and HOPE.  I know we’re riding the Obama’s HOPE wave, but even in his case, if you did nothing…even HOPE may not have kept him alive.

So what are the options?1) Online dating

If you’ve never tried online dating, and you’re trying to meet someone, what’s wrong?  It’s no different from meeting someone out at a function, bar, club or other event.  You simply see their image (same), talk/chat with them (same), a lot before you accept a date (hmmm….different and better).

Here’s just a Sampling of thousands of online dating sites

Yahoo personals, Eharmony, Match.com, JustSayHi.com, SinglesNet.com, American Singles, Serbian Love, Chemistry.com, Lavalife.com,

TPCLive.net (For Black Professionals)

PlentyofFish.com, TheJCafe (Jewish Singles), JewishAmericanSingles.com, BlackSingles.com

AfroIntroductions.com 

InterracialSingles.com, InterracialDatingCentral.com, LatinWomenSite.com, BrazilCupid.com, BBWRomance.com (for Big Beautiful Women), BBWCupid.com…..you get the point.

2) Friends & Family

  • Let ‘em know you’re looking.  But advise them not to give out numbers and email addresses without your permission!  Some folx you gotta let know.

3) Church Singles Ministries – Interested in starting one at your church or house of worship?  Click HERE ——> http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind50126.html

4) Activity groups

  • Bowling leagues
  • Running clubs
  • Biking clubs
  • Travel Clubs
  • Black Ski Trips

5) Charity Groups

  • Feed the homeless and meet like-minded singles.
  • Plant a tree, go green and meet lots of men/women, who like you are interested in preserving our planet.

The bottom line is, you have to be active about pursuing love the same way you are active about pursuing a job, house hunting, etc.  Here’s the rules of the game:

1) Find someone you LIKE. Now this is important. You have to like the person. They may be cute, fine, sexy, but crazy as hell. Don’t come back tellin’ everybody they were crazy at the end…they were crazy at the beginning, but their fine ass blinded you and you couldn’t see it. Make sure you like them, they have FRIENDS that like them, YOUR FRIENDS like them and your family likes them. This is important b/c if NOBODY likes them but you, there’s probably a reason.

2) Get to know them first. Don’t go giving out keys to your car, house, etc. on the 2nd date. Get to know them and take your time doing it. I’m not advocating playing hard to get. I’m just saying, you save yourself a lot of heartache if you get to know the real person over time. Anybody can show you’re their ghost (or as some like to say representative) for the short term, but not the long term.

3) Watch your body language. Do you go out and turn down every guy that walks up to you? Don’t you think the guy you REALLY like is watching? After 2-3 shoot-downs….his head will turn in another direction…unless you make it clear to him, that you are waiting for HIM. But seriously…be nice to people (in general), it’s contagious and it means you’re a nice person. Be nice to other men even as you gently turn them down, but don’t be overly friendly as that may indicate yet another side. But smiling opens you up as being friendly, is healthier and uses less muscles than frowning. Plus…frowning generates those ugly wrinkles in your forehead. But who can complain about smile lines?

So back in my heyday….I had a rule.  If I liked a guy, I gave him the go ahead to talk to me (with a slight wink, or just enough eye contact) or simply started joking with him or asking kooky questions.  Examples:

1) One guy I met at 112 in ATL has put his coat in coat check. We had danced some that night and ended up in line together. When he got his coat, I joked him saying he could have hung that coat on the back of somebody’s chair because noone was going to steal it. He had a good sense of humor and we joked each other back and forth. We ended up going to breakfast and are friends to this day.

2) Another guy I met had braces. I had never kissed anyone with braces before, so I asked him, “When you kiss someone with braces, does it hurt?” He said, “Give me your number and you can find out”. And I did. Kissing with braces doesn’t hurt.

There’s always more rules to the meet/greet/get-a-date game, but I’d like to hear what’s worked for you.  Or what was your weirdest interaction that ended up in a date.  And if you’re looking to date…get in the game!  Happy Dating!

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0 Comments

  • Guttersnipe

    Reply Reply November 16, 2008

    good article. can you please explain to me why all the ladies that are sorrors conspire together to block… you may like one but then realize early that the chemistry is off so you back track and ironically strike it with another. Unknowingly the other may be a line sister of the previous person. They then conspire to totally block. I know this to be true… On top of it all your interest could be genuine.

    Another something I noticed is how some women are unattainable so to speak even after attending reunions, hearing about how you’ve mastered your career to super high levels and stuff, they know they dig you and your aura but act strange like to talk to you is difficult. Please explain Lady Fox.

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply November 16, 2008

    Ok…GS…you have two questions…
    1) If you are dating in the Black Community…dating of friends, family, Sorors, (especially Line Sisters) is akin to dating somebody’s sister in some cases and is a no-no. Now while I feel for you…hey…the first one legitimately didn’t work out. You don’t know if she’s the type to say…Ah irl. ..Guttersnipe, yeah we went out a few times, but nothing serious…so if you wanna give it a shot go ‘head…OR is she gonna be the type that ONCE you date, kiss (maybe), or just drive in the same car, you are off limits. That’s why I would suggest (and I know sometimes you really don’t know the relationships) peepin’ the scene before you shoot your wad so that you make sure you hook the right “fish”. That’s hard to do…when there’s lots of fine fish, but you’ll thank me in the end!

    Finally…I don’t know what’s wrong with the crazy women you speak of in the 2nd part. I think they just crazy! But seriously…it could be the following:
    1) You are mis-reading signals and they are really not that into you
    2) They are not physically attracted to though they dig your essence.
    3) They are waiting on you to make all the moves. Like they are saying…well SHOOT…I’ve reached high levels in my career too so YOU should pursue ME.

    Without knowing ALL the details….this is the best I can do, but I appreciate your confidence in me to give it a shot. :o)

  • Drey

    Reply Reply November 17, 2008

    I would say not lazy but sometimes disheartened with the whole thing. I have met people in the “traditional” and “non-traditional” ways. In either circumstance you can end up at the same result. So what I have decided to do now..is just relax with it…enjoy the time meeting people and be true to how I feel as well as be honest about how I am feeling with the people I am dating……and don’t waste my time with folks that are just not suited for me.

    I have also come to realize that everyone is not meant to get married. If it happens for me great and if not..what can you do about it.

    Watching other people who are married sometimes makes me want to take the plunge…and alternatively they make me want to be a serial dater…LOL.

    For now I will continue my serial dating spree…;o).

  • A. Fox

    Reply Reply November 18, 2008

    Hey….are you trying to tell me something?

  • Stacia

    Reply Reply November 19, 2008

    Not so much lazy..as I’m just indifferent to it.
    I don’t trust anyone anymore..so its’ hard to allow yourself to be in love..especially when you’re so darn distrusting of people..

  • EA

    Reply Reply November 20, 2008

    Love that, Drey! My sentiments EXACTLY.
    A. Fox, you’re still at the top of the relationship advice-giving game.

  • MAXMAN357

    Reply Reply November 21, 2008

    I quit lookin… Nothin wrong with friends! 🙂

  • JC

    Reply Reply November 26, 2008

    “Love, overrated. Bio-chemically equivalent to consumming large amounts of chocolate.”
    – Satan, from “The Devil’s Advocate”

  • christine

    Reply Reply December 1, 2008

    Here is another online dating website. Its new and free right now–it focuses on matching you with people who went to same school as you or just any black college alum and professionals. When I heard about it I liked it because my husband and I attended same college, but he left the year I arrived, I met him some 15 years later–but was comfortable right off the bat knowing that we had some of the same experiences because we had attended same HBCU. The website is http://www.blackalumniloveconnection.com

  • Sunshine

    Reply Reply January 9, 2010

    Not sure if I am lazy about it. I was fairly actively dating for a while but selective. I am not living in an area I plan to be in much longer (6 months tops) so I have tried looking more toward the area to which I am trying to move. I’ve found it hard to maneuver since many understandably neither want to start exploring a relationship with someone who is leaving nor with someone who has yet to arrive.

    Let’s just say I am open but focused on something different right now.

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