A Man’s Top 5 Dating Fears

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The road between “our first date” and “that’s my girlfriend” is commonly a long arduous journey. The person we meet in the beginning is often the elected representitive of our date’s true personality. Over time, the phony washes away and we discover the inner thoughts and behaviors of this possible mate. Here are 5 common fears men have while in the process of dating. – akaTito

Courtesy of eharmony
Fear #1: You’ll Come Between Him and His Friends

Oh, he knows you’re not going to say, “Listen, I don’t want you spending time with your friends.” It’s much more subtle than that. It can start with a “Sports again? I made plans for us to go on a hike,” progress through “That guy Joe is really a jerk!” and on to “I don’t like how you act when you’re with these guys!” Before he knows it, he has traded a core of life-long friends for a woman who likes to make up rules.

Perhaps these are legitimate observations. He may be boorish when he’s around his pals. From his perspective, it doesn’t matter. No guy wants to start a relationship with a woman only to end up estranged from his buddies six months later.

Fear #2: You’ll Soak Up All of his Free Time

“Together Time” is an interesting concept. Some people need lots of together time when they date — lots of calls, texts, strolls, and evenings spent watching TV cuddled on the couch. Some feel comfortable with a couple of dates a week. While together time needs vary wildly independent of gender, many men have a fear of being confined in a relationship (just as many women have a fear of being abandoned in a relationship). They worry about an ever increasing schedule of together time activities that cuts into other things they enjoy.

Of course, if he didn’t want a relationship he wouldn’t be dating, but all men have seen friends who lose their grip on beloved activities once they enter a serious relationship. Guys who love golf and then can’t find the time for a round. Guys who take cross country motorcycle trips and then end up selling their bike. Guys who are always good for a round of wings and a football game and then are never free anymore. When a single man thinks about those friends he doesn’t think, “Wow, why weren’t they strong enough to stand up for the things that were important to them AND have a great relationship?” Instead he thinks, “Danger! Women soak up free time.”

Fear #3: You’ll Pretend to Be Sane and Turn Out to Be Crazy

Certainly, no one wants crazy in their lives. If there was a crazy-meter that clicked like a Geiger counter whenever you came across a nut job, they would be a mandatory purchase for all daters.

Men are especially scared of the masked crazy woman because they are much worse at reading signs and picking up subtle hints early on. Women seem to be masters at figuring out what’s underneath the surface. Men have a harder time looking past the surface and the early date niceties to see what dangers lurk beneath.

But again, this fear is born out of what men have watched their friends endure. The sweet guy who ends up with a woman who calls his cell phone every 20 minutes, who yells at him (more on this below), and cannot be satisfied with any earthly pleasure. We’ve all seen the look in this poor man’s eyes, and thought to ourselves – “I will never let this happen to me.”

We know that this guy isn’t stupid. He fell in love with an attractive woman who was lots of fun, and somehow after he made his choice and pushed out to sea with her, the water got rough. But it’s too late, he’s in love, and all her childish rants and demanding illogic can’t get him to leave.

A bird’s eye view of this kind of relationship can chill a man to the bone. Again, it may be impossible for him to understand how his friend is contributing to this terrible relationship. All he sees is a crazy woman and a pathetic friend.

Fear #4: You Won’t Respect Him

A wise psychologist once wrote, “In a relationship, women want to be cherished and men want to be admired.” Men do want their partners to admire them. Not in a ticker-tape parade kind of way, but as a quiet nod of respect for what he does and has accomplished. We all know this on some primal level.

There is a scene in the Sam Raimi movie, “A Simple Plan” that illustrates this perfectly. Two brothers find several million dollars out in the woods. They lead happy but humble lives in a small town, and go through many twists and turns trying to figure out how to keep the money and not raise suspicions.

In the end, one brother decides to burn the money and his adoring wife, who has been quiet and supportive the entire film turns on him like a rabid dog. “Do you think I like the life you’ve made for us? Do you think I like wearing used clothes, and scrimping and saving to go to the grocery store? What kind of man are you?” The entire theater gasps! There’s something so cutting in having this woman verbalize her lack of respect for her husband.

In the real world, this presents itself in many ways. Criticizing a man in front of his friends is a typical one. Whether it is true or not, dragging out a foible in front of a guy’s friends is humiliating and usually has the friends thinking, “She’s airing his dirty laundry! Poor guy.”

Fear #5: You’ll Be High Maintenance

High maintenance is a term that gets tossed around a lot. Because money makes “high” and “low” relative, we suggest that the whole maintenance scale be replaced with a “fussiness scale.” How fussy is your date, and how much fussy can you take? A fussy woman scares men to death.

She’s fussy because she cannot be pleased. She has a very narrow range of what is acceptable to her. She likes only certain foods. They must be prepared a certain way. She only likes a few activities. Hiking? “No I don’t like to get sweaty.” Roller Coasters? “I’m scared.” Skiing? “No, I don’t like the cold.” Any kind of physical discomfort is intolerable. Often times she is quick to suggest things the guy can do to make her more comfortable, “Would you go ask the bartender if I can another drink, this time with more orange juice and less ice?”

Ask her why she’s so fussy and she’ll say, “This is what I like. Am I wrong to want the things I like?” She may not be wrong to want what she wants, but trying to please here is a full time job.

All this stuff is very scary to most men. Because a woman like this is unlikely to ever utter the most pleasing phrase a man can hear: “You know what? I’m good.” When you’re at a baseball game and it starts to rain and you forgot your rain gear and you turn to your date and say, “I’m so sorry,” and she says, “You know what? I’m good,” and smiles, a man’s heart does double back flips of joy. Seriously.

When the chips are down and things go wrong, a woman who just kicks back and says, “Who cares? I’m good!” is a beauty to behold.

When it’s all said and done, fear drives a large percentage of all our lives. The things we eat. The places we live. The jobs we take. These choices are made based on some mixture of fear of negative outcomes and desire for positive ones. Dating is no different. Knowing what men instinctively fear can be a great way to think about your own behavior and the effect it may have on your dating life. Of course, it takes two to tango and in a relationship if one person is super fussy; the other person is putting up with the super fussy behavior. Each bears some responsibility for the dynamics of their life together.

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0 Comments

  • Kriscoa

    Reply Reply July 8, 2009

    When the chips are down and things go wrong, a woman who just kicks back and says, “Who cares? I’m good!” is a beauty to behold.

    IMO, is just a confident, secure woman… and really, can brothers handle all of dat?

  • Stacia

    Reply Reply July 16, 2009

    Well..if he’s scared he needs to stay single…
    being in a relationship is work..and it takes two people giving to make it work..so yeah..it’s gonna take up some time…it’s gonna take you away from the video games and your ‘boys’ at times…but it should be something you actually want to spend time doing and investing in.

    re the high maintenance point – if it’s a fly girl…how do you think she stays that way…gotta go to the salon..nail shoppe..lol…spa..shopping…lol!

  • hottottie

    Reply Reply July 26, 2009

    First of all this should be titled “Why men are on the down low”! These are not fears, but bitter insecurities. Fears are your mate passing on HIV or a STI to cheating on you, a murderer, addicted to drugs, alcohol, or sex, losing his/her job, losing a love one, not being able to have children, etc…This sounds like a man who never got the girl he wanted, but his buddy always got her, therefore leaving him inexperienced with women and with little or no tolerance for a woman’s nature (read the definition of love in I Corinthians Chpt. 13.
    Unfortnately, I find this to be very disrespectful to women. It reflects how men today are so out of touch with who women really are (a woman’s nature). The brothers that feel this way are obviously making excuses for not settling down with a woman.
    All women display at least one of these traits, if not all, at some point of their relationship, which are all called insecurities. This is how many women respond when they feel insecure in their relationship. When! When a change occurs in the relationship or in their mate’s behavior. I hope you understand this moving forward and stop expecting the woman you chose to be perfection. A person tells you who they are the first time you meet them, therefore if you’ve been dating a woman over 5 months and you are 30yrs or older you should be able to decern who she is at her core. You have to reflect back to her core when times get rough because as a human who often do not know how well handle first time experiences in relationship. If you don’t know a person’s core (heart) then you can’t truly love or trust them. But of course men seem to want to over look the signs when they’re intentions are only related to sex. Please take pride in your choices when choosing a mate just as you do with your career choices. If it does’nt work out stop blamming the other person and take responsiblity and be accountable for your own actions so you can sleep at night. And always take the peaceful way out, because being a ass hole just prolongs drama and hurts only you in the end. You can’t change the next person, but you can be a good example and a great influence.

    As a side note:

    If you want an open relationship then just be up front and stop telling women what you think they want to hear. Women should have the right to know a man’s truth (intentions) and the right to either like his truth or not. If a woman does not like what you say it’s not because she wants you to say what she wants to hear. She doe’nt like it because it’s her choice not to or she feels that you’ve mislead her. Men are not Gods, just a man!

  • Shawn

    Reply Reply July 27, 2009

    This is an interesting article. If a man wants to be in a relationship, then he has to understand that he probably won’t be able to live like he isn’t in a relationship. It’s all about finding balance. Crazy and high maintenence are usually easy to see, therefore easy to avoid.

  • JC

    Reply Reply August 4, 2009

    Stacia…and especially Hottottie…whoa!!!

    I couldv’e sworn the article was directed towards “the first date/dating fears”. If you’re thinking about HIV/AIDS or STDs, then why have the FIRST DATE??? The article describes a person who isn’t your mate yet.

    But on another note, after 30 years of hearing “I don’t need no man”, “A man can’t do anything for me that I can’t do for myself”, “Men are just some unreliable dogs”, I think it’s understandable if a man has his radar up. Like I said on another article, independence is attractive, but relationships are built on interdependence. If the “lady” shows the slightest hint of “I don’t need you”, then we can retitle the article “Why she is by herself”.

    It’s not about being insecure, it’s about not wanting to deal with the bulls–t anymore than women do. A real man will find ways to prove himself to the woman he desires, but he also knows that he doesn’t have to prove a damn thing.

    Hard to get is one thing, hard to deal wit is another.

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